I'm resolved to feel quite pessimistic. For a little while longer. We picked up 348 euros from Western Union, and are now resolved to just do homecooked meals, except for once a week. Probably fridays in that case. I'm guessing we're having tortilla de patatas tomorrow. I have a monstrous headache. And tomorrow is later today, so that's what I meant. Screw that I'm tired and not talking to Irina.
Might as well sleep until I have my computer back. Yeah, cry myself ot sleep over that one. Just like all the others. What's so different about her? Why should I have faith that she'll continue loving me? Why when the others who I thought I had a chance with ended up blowing me off? Fuck... headache.
Another lonely night... trying to change the world but all anyone can do is nitpick. They'll never change. but I keep on doing this because I dare to believe in them.
and why the fuck not?
I need to make sure I know what to say to chago. how much do I need? -what will I do to pay him back? what can I possibly do? what am I doing with this money? how long until I can pay him back? 1400 euros for the course, 70 hours at 20 euros an hour, almost 90 hours at 15 euros, but I will pay him back once I get there!
25 January 2007
20 January 2007
19 October 2006
we are just a tad desperate for money now. as in, we won't have a place to stay for a month if things don't work out. that is, we need money for an apartment after the 22nd.
we need to get into a better state. mum needs to get her ass out the door and walk more. that way, we can lose weight, stay healthy, and eat less. also the smoking clearly has to stop completely. and drinking. We just have to feel good about what we're doing, saving money, etc...
Cereal in the evening, sleep during the day, another particularly depressing day. I'm going to sleep some more and mum will be awake. Means I'll be up late tonight.
I love Irina.
Listening to Paper Tiger as I dream of lulling myself to sleep. Talked to Steph earlier. Mum is feeling better about the issue of the school. Will feel better once it's over and done with.
I'm also growing to appreciate Death Cab for Cutie. I desperately want to make Irina happy. I keep fucking up. At least that's how I see it.
God I love her.
I should read.
we need to get into a better state. mum needs to get her ass out the door and walk more. that way, we can lose weight, stay healthy, and eat less. also the smoking clearly has to stop completely. and drinking. We just have to feel good about what we're doing, saving money, etc...
Cereal in the evening, sleep during the day, another particularly depressing day. I'm going to sleep some more and mum will be awake. Means I'll be up late tonight.
I love Irina.
Listening to Paper Tiger as I dream of lulling myself to sleep. Talked to Steph earlier. Mum is feeling better about the issue of the school. Will feel better once it's over and done with.
I'm also growing to appreciate Death Cab for Cutie. I desperately want to make Irina happy. I keep fucking up. At least that's how I see it.
God I love her.
I should read.
17 January 2007
18 October 2006
I'm a world apart from what was once called important by me. Which means on the whole it is more difficult to get things done immediately. Mom is confused by waht dad is saying. There's no money, not enough for the course supposedly.
I'm accepted into the TESOL program though. Which is exciting. I don't know what to expect.
And I'm still recovering from a spliff I had earlier. Fun times.
9 PM Did I have two dinners? I know I'm tired as fuck. Mom is fucking demanding on my part. I finally killed off Transdimensional. Donno how I'm going about bringing him back.
Maybe just admit I needed a little break from Atease. No fanfare at all. Name change. Most spectacular of all would be if he were COMPLETELY unrecognizable.
So I've been accepted into SpainTesol. And the thunder is crazy here. The area lit up for 5 seconds and there was an earth shatteringtho thunder crack.
Well at least the school thing was resolved. But now mum is worried about the money. I can't handle the pressure.
I'm accepted into the TESOL program though. Which is exciting. I don't know what to expect.
And I'm still recovering from a spliff I had earlier. Fun times.
9 PM Did I have two dinners? I know I'm tired as fuck. Mom is fucking demanding on my part. I finally killed off Transdimensional. Donno how I'm going about bringing him back.
Maybe just admit I needed a little break from Atease. No fanfare at all. Name change. Most spectacular of all would be if he were COMPLETELY unrecognizable.
So I've been accepted into SpainTesol. And the thunder is crazy here. The area lit up for 5 seconds and there was an earth shattering
Well at least the school thing was resolved. But now mum is worried about the money. I can't handle the pressure.
17 October 2006
tigmoni broke up with JJC. er, vice versa actually. they're seperated. kind of freaky. I always assumed that they were good to go. it deeply disturbed me. but I think tigmoni is better now.
although it made me scared for me and irina. who's to say ours would last? I wouldn't leave her but would she leave me? not much else to say about yesterday.
there's a part of me that needs to settle affairs in the old world. I need to record with Bebo, need to see david at least, and the OC ateasers..
there's a bigger part of me that wants to be with irina. irina. if I went to the OC, would she be in toronto?
I suppose this is speculating beyond the summer though, depending on what mom is doing, irina is doing. I am in a state of limbo otherwise.
part of me wants to stay in europe but that part is inconsequential. I know my life revolves around people and is determined based on whatever happens.
the main part of me just wants Irina. I would follow her. to the edge of the earth.
and fall off.
things are looking good for tigmoni. i guess JJC saw how much she loved him and realized what was happening. they're on good terms. the future might have them together. love will shine through.
i am so proud of laura. she is an amazing human being and her doing well bodes well for the rest of us.
Ah shit. So Tigs aint going back to JJC in any amount of time. Well it's good to know.
Apparently Blair's government wants university students to spy on Muslim students.
although it made me scared for me and irina. who's to say ours would last? I wouldn't leave her but would she leave me? not much else to say about yesterday.
there's a part of me that needs to settle affairs in the old world. I need to record with Bebo, need to see david at least, and the OC ateasers..
there's a bigger part of me that wants to be with irina. irina. if I went to the OC, would she be in toronto?
I suppose this is speculating beyond the summer though, depending on what mom is doing, irina is doing. I am in a state of limbo otherwise.
part of me wants to stay in europe but that part is inconsequential. I know my life revolves around people and is determined based on whatever happens.
the main part of me just wants Irina. I would follow her. to the edge of the earth.
and fall off.
things are looking good for tigmoni. i guess JJC saw how much she loved him and realized what was happening. they're on good terms. the future might have them together. love will shine through.
i am so proud of laura. she is an amazing human being and her doing well bodes well for the rest of us.
Ah shit. So Tigs aint going back to JJC in any amount of time. Well it's good to know.
Apparently Blair's government wants university students to spy on Muslim students.
16 October 2006
- paella
- hair color
celery- wipes
- all purpose cleaner
- depilatorio
- bok choy
- paper towels
- cereal
- rice milk
- tinto crianza
- baby corn
- harissa
16 January 2007
30 November 2006
pwning boxcars is easy
100 Broken Windows says: (04:04:50)
hi half caste mang
Citizen Erased || I don't wanna be a spirit in your material world. says: (04:05:07)
mang
100 Broken Windows says: (04:05:35)
stop doing the lol@ thing
100 Broken Windows says: (04:05:41)
it makes you look even stupider than you are
Citizen Erased || I don't wanna be a spirit in your material world. says: (04:05:42)
kk
100 Broken Windows says: (04:06:00)
you're like a dumb dog with a new trick
100 Broken Windows says: (04:06:07)
and i wanna kick your faggot face in
Citizen Erased || I don't wanna be a spirit in your material world. says: (04:06:10)
you're like a dumb dog with an old trick
100 Broken Windows says: (04:06:16)
oh, wow
100 Broken Windows says: (04:06:18)
stunned.
hi half caste mang
Citizen Erased || I don't wanna be a spirit in your material world. says: (04:05:07)
mang
100 Broken Windows says: (04:05:35)
stop doing the lol@ thing
100 Broken Windows says: (04:05:41)
it makes you look even stupider than you are
Citizen Erased || I don't wanna be a spirit in your material world. says: (04:05:42)
kk
100 Broken Windows says: (04:06:00)
you're like a dumb dog with a new trick
100 Broken Windows says: (04:06:07)
and i wanna kick your faggot face in
Citizen Erased || I don't wanna be a spirit in your material world. says: (04:06:10)
you're like a dumb dog with an old trick
100 Broken Windows says: (04:06:16)
oh, wow
100 Broken Windows says: (04:06:18)
stunned.
14 November 2006
14 october 2006
i'm drinking coffee and vodka after a sleepless night.
up since 9 PM and it's 1 PM. i'm ODing on vodka and coffee lol. But now I'm trying to sleep. see how well that's working? Talked with Irina from about 7:30 till 10. God. Apparently she's had a black stalker. half-black? doesn't matter I guess. I'm just obscenely in love with this girl. she's worth all the waiting. I don't even feel the need to get laid at this point. remarkable for a boy, no?
Ok I can trick myself as much as I want, Whatever. I suppose I need to get mum a melón and some more lemons. naranjas as well, since i'm always making zumo naranja. fun.
"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them."
Had a stimulating discussion with mum about Radiohead. Few conversations stand out like this. She's listening to The Eraser. I want her to continue through HTDC and Analyse. Beautiful songs. Amazing. I almost cried to How to disappear. I don't want to disappear. I want to be a whole. I will be. With Irina. I hope. I have to. That's all.
up since 9 PM and it's 1 PM. i'm ODing on vodka and coffee lol. But now I'm trying to sleep. see how well that's working? Talked with Irina from about 7:30 till 10. God. Apparently she's had a black stalker. half-black? doesn't matter I guess. I'm just obscenely in love with this girl. she's worth all the waiting. I don't even feel the need to get laid at this point. remarkable for a boy, no?
Ok I can trick myself as much as I want, Whatever. I suppose I need to get mum a melón and some more lemons. naranjas as well, since i'm always making zumo naranja. fun.
"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them."
Had a stimulating discussion with mum about Radiohead. Few conversations stand out like this. She's listening to The Eraser. I want her to continue through HTDC and Analyse. Beautiful songs. Amazing. I almost cried to How to disappear. I don't want to disappear. I want to be a whole. I will be. With Irina. I hope. I have to. That's all.
13 october 2006
- green peppers
- lentils
- tomatoes
- mineral water
- mushrooms
- tinto crianza
- lemons
- melon
today is friday the 13th. acknowledge this.
12 october 2006
it's about 24 hours since I last talked to irina. I desperately miss her. and love her. she left me an e-mail since I didn't turn up online. I'll email her back as soon as I'm in the right place.
or I'll go to the internet cafe close to here. mom, she feels like she can just seek affirmation at any point from me. I can't be the one to do that obviously, she has to do it for herself.
but she'll never understand.
I had a dream last night. I was out with Ira and some friends. when we got to a house and were finally in private i tried to kiss her, but she didn't want to.
I feel as if I can't get to her. there is something in the way.
i know she wanted to talk to me last night but despite at one point waking up at a quarter to 6 AM (12AM her time) I still couldn't do it. I can't face up to it.
I feel broken. she loves me. she makes me feel wonderful, but alone i am desperately alone.
cymbal rush is so beautiful.
we went all the way down to the port vell, at the end of las ramblas and via laietana. the post office (correos) was closed today. we'll have to go at another point, maybe with postcards and emily's magazine.
that'd be a good idea.
there is a twinge of annoyance associated with the fact I'm not with the love of my life (lolzerz) but on the whole, I feel terribly lucky that we both love each other so much. it's a good feeling.
my headache isn't.
ugh. i'm tired. and sometimes i just want not to hear anything. at. all.
or I'll go to the internet cafe close to here. mom, she feels like she can just seek affirmation at any point from me. I can't be the one to do that obviously, she has to do it for herself.
but she'll never understand.
I had a dream last night. I was out with Ira and some friends. when we got to a house and were finally in private i tried to kiss her, but she didn't want to.
I feel as if I can't get to her. there is something in the way.
i know she wanted to talk to me last night but despite at one point waking up at a quarter to 6 AM (12AM her time) I still couldn't do it. I can't face up to it.
I feel broken. she loves me. she makes me feel wonderful, but alone i am desperately alone.
cymbal rush is so beautiful.
we went all the way down to the port vell, at the end of las ramblas and via laietana. the post office (correos) was closed today. we'll have to go at another point, maybe with postcards and emily's magazine.
that'd be a good idea.
there is a twinge of annoyance associated with the fact I'm not with the love of my life (lolzerz) but on the whole, I feel terribly lucky that we both love each other so much. it's a good feeling.
my headache isn't.
ugh. i'm tired. and sometimes i just want not to hear anything. at. all.
14 October 2006
10 october 2006
took three sleeping pills. my handwriting is deteriorating. plug in baby. supposedly my writing is disjointed, hard to follow and quite anxious. as are songs in 5/4 time signature. like morning bell and 15 step. quite unsettling. did some more transcribing into my blogger. i know i need to write my essay. mum sent hers in and has an interview scheduled. well i shall sleep fornow. i'm desperately in love.
9 october 2006
the fridge buzz of the world, the background noise we tune out that comes to us as we try to sleep, there are no insomniacs, just neurotics. nothing works, sleep doesn't come, count to 120 still we lie awake, worried about the next day, knowing there's nothing we can do about it now. i need a sleeping pill. something. i need to sleep. that is clear to me.
woke up with 7 mosquito bites at 5 in the morning. only about 4 hours after i had gone to sleep. i am of the opinion that not only do radiohead not want to behave like rock stars, they are incapable of acting the part which makes me love 'em even more.
woke up with 7 mosquito bites at 5 in the morning. only about 4 hours after i had gone to sleep. i am of the opinion that not only do radiohead not want to behave like rock stars, they are incapable of acting the part which makes me love 'em even more.
8 october 2006
I can't be bothered to post in Atease.
I'm the fucking Juggernaut.
Been sleeping like a dog lately. Mum was interpreting Kid A. I can't be bothered being awake unless I'm talking to Irina. Because I'm sick. Ugh. Damn illness. I got two big bottles of water. We've needed those. Mum doesn't know if she's making sense. I can't be bothered writing large sentences. Pause between words. Shaky. Getting more deep. Than usual. Stop.
I'm the fucking Juggernaut.
Been sleeping like a dog lately. Mum was interpreting Kid A. I can't be bothered being awake unless I'm talking to Irina. Because I'm sick. Ugh. Damn illness. I got two big bottles of water. We've needed those. Mum doesn't know if she's making sense. I can't be bothered writing large sentences. Pause between words. Shaky. Getting more deep. Than usual. Stop.
6 october 2006
third day one page. obviously the writing is a little lacking. ira is still in my mind constantly. I worry and when don't I? I made pasta today. fun. haven't check my email, have I? maybe. not interested in getting drunk today. unless i get cure that is. iluvya is interesting. making up another tracklisting. we'll see how that goes.
5 october 2006
having slept muchly during the day yesterday, i didn't need much today. i feel really sick today. ugh. congestion.
4 october 2006
I explored El Raval today. Seem to have a better understanding of what's west of Las Ramblas. Nevertheless I went to sleep at 9 AM so, having had maybe 5 hours of sleep, I'm getting some more. Famous last worlds. Ugh. Sleep.
3 october 2006
1:30 AM
I know Irina's there. On MSN. I really hope I can talk toher tongiht. God I love her. Doh. ANd I wrote a song. It really is nothing at this point. Lengthen the verses, put it to music, some sense of resolve. I really think it'd be a poisonous song to sing, about getting to someone for all eternity in hell for something they've done to you. Maybe I wouldn't do that, but I feel as if someone would to someone who ruined them.
Irina. God I feel pathetic, but I can't stop thinking of her.
7 AM
I sort of left things on bad terms with Irina when I left our conversation at about 5 or 6 in the morning, so I apologized after I got a PM from her.
What is harder is dealing with my mom, the autist. Aspie is more like it, but whatever. That's how I left it with Irina. "Whatever..."
Yeah I just can't get things right. I don't know if I fucked things up. I don't know if Irina really loves me or not.
I just don't know. And no one is making it any easier for me.
11:20 AM
I've been posting shit all day.
Worries, worries, worries. It seems to be all I'm about. They'll have the part in for the Powerbook. Big. Fucking. Relief.
I guess I could have a fake beer right now. Sin alcohol. "Scene alcohl" sounds like.
My life is full of worthless memories. I'm really worried that I might have turned off Irina with my amateur softcore porn. Well, apparently not, but still.
God if there was someone more pathetic than me, he'd still have lost his virginity before me.
Saw a record store with a lone HTTT special edition and various fake RH shirts. That is, not WASTE. oh well, i still want more shirts lolzerz.
Yeah, but it's funny I've not seen RH shirts around here. You'd think there be more RH fans.
Wish we knew some.
Wo. It's like my life is the same as my mother's.
Fuck. I don't have a singular identity.
This diary might outlive the month although I doubt it. I wrote another crummy song but who knows, it might work as a words set to music. And it rhymes.
Eh. Nothing to be excited for. I've not been happy or sad. Just numb when I'm not w/ Irina. I make her smile. Amazing.
I love her. I really do. She des make me smile. My life and body seem a bit lighter with her. When I'm not drowning it in alchohol.
I really should stop. My life is crummy enough to douse it in beer.
Whattevah.
Strong feelings of love to compensate for what is ultimately weak emotions. Lyrics can only communivate what I really feel. I feel trapped in my own body. Not trapped. Just dead. Comatose. What was it I wanted to say? Oh yeah, I scream. I can't come out and I feel worse for it. When I do, it's an outburst. I come out to cry, to fight, to scream, to laugh, to be a manic, to want to die, etc...otherwise it's a fragment of a story, some song lyrics. That or I masturbate.
Is it an illness? Is it a gift? Is it a gift to have everything trapped? Is is a gift to be trapped in ones mind, in this bubble and it only bursts temporarily, then you're trapped in it again?
Suburban disease? A case of the bubble? All bottled up and under a torrential rain of beer and wine? To think you can feel something?
And then you don't... The end. There is nothing and no one to bring you out. You write and draw and play music that no one hears. and is that what this has amounted to?
Is this all I've amounted to?
I mean, does it come down to pills so I can feel normal? So I can feel normal and have swings or just numbness? Why must I feel like this? Why does it all amount to only tears? Is this worth living for?
So many questions, and I can't find the answers. Will I ever amount to anything? Will I ever be good for anyone?
Would I ever be good for her?
Could I be the one for her?
Then why is it so difficult, so impossible,and why does she not believe it is so?
I'm ending this day at 17:45 PM.
The 3rd of October 2006 closes.
I know Irina's there. On MSN. I really hope I can talk toher tongiht. God I love her. Doh. ANd I wrote a song. It really is nothing at this point. Lengthen the verses, put it to music, some sense of resolve. I really think it'd be a poisonous song to sing, about getting to someone for all eternity in hell for something they've done to you. Maybe I wouldn't do that, but I feel as if someone would to someone who ruined them.
Irina. God I feel pathetic, but I can't stop thinking of her.
7 AM
I sort of left things on bad terms with Irina when I left our conversation at about 5 or 6 in the morning, so I apologized after I got a PM from her.
What is harder is dealing with my mom, the autist. Aspie is more like it, but whatever. That's how I left it with Irina. "Whatever..."
Yeah I just can't get things right. I don't know if I fucked things up. I don't know if Irina really loves me or not.
I just don't know. And no one is making it any easier for me.
11:20 AM
I've been posting shit all day.
Worries, worries, worries. It seems to be all I'm about. They'll have the part in for the Powerbook. Big. Fucking. Relief.
I guess I could have a fake beer right now. Sin alcohol. "Scene alcohl" sounds like.
My life is full of worthless memories. I'm really worried that I might have turned off Irina with my amateur softcore porn. Well, apparently not, but still.
God if there was someone more pathetic than me, he'd still have lost his virginity before me.
Saw a record store with a lone HTTT special edition and various fake RH shirts. That is, not WASTE. oh well, i still want more shirts lolzerz.
Yeah, but it's funny I've not seen RH shirts around here. You'd think there be more RH fans.
Wish we knew some.
Wo. It's like my life is the same as my mother's.
Fuck. I don't have a singular identity.
This diary might outlive the month although I doubt it. I wrote another crummy song but who knows, it might work as a words set to music. And it rhymes.
Eh. Nothing to be excited for. I've not been happy or sad. Just numb when I'm not w/ Irina. I make her smile. Amazing.
I love her. I really do. She des make me smile. My life and body seem a bit lighter with her. When I'm not drowning it in alchohol.
I really should stop. My life is crummy enough to douse it in beer.
Whattevah.
Strong feelings of love to compensate for what is ultimately weak emotions. Lyrics can only communivate what I really feel. I feel trapped in my own body. Not trapped. Just dead. Comatose. What was it I wanted to say? Oh yeah, I scream. I can't come out and I feel worse for it. When I do, it's an outburst. I come out to cry, to fight, to scream, to laugh, to be a manic, to want to die, etc...otherwise it's a fragment of a story, some song lyrics. That or I masturbate.
Is it an illness? Is it a gift? Is it a gift to have everything trapped? Is is a gift to be trapped in ones mind, in this bubble and it only bursts temporarily, then you're trapped in it again?
Suburban disease? A case of the bubble? All bottled up and under a torrential rain of beer and wine? To think you can feel something?
And then you don't... The end. There is nothing and no one to bring you out. You write and draw and play music that no one hears. and is that what this has amounted to?
Is this all I've amounted to?
I mean, does it come down to pills so I can feel normal? So I can feel normal and have swings or just numbness? Why must I feel like this? Why does it all amount to only tears? Is this worth living for?
So many questions, and I can't find the answers. Will I ever amount to anything? Will I ever be good for anyone?
Would I ever be good for her?
Could I be the one for her?
Then why is it so difficult, so impossible,and why does she not believe it is so?
I'm ending this day at 17:45 PM.
The 3rd of October 2006 closes.
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