i've always believed that i've deceived the ones i've loved, as if i've always been hiding a bad person underneath a sensitive exterior. yet i've been hurt more by the ones who claimed to love me than i've ever meant to hurt them. i should be fully capable of loving as much as any other man and i'm more than willing to give everything, or am i? i'm so preoccupied with the fear that a girl might find something repulsive about me that i can't even think about letting down my barriers so i can be tender with a girl i like. i haven't been open to a irl, given her the key to my heart. i give everything so they won't figure out there's something wrong with me, and they must think i'm not even thinking of them. i want to be loving, a lover, capable of expressing these feelings that lovers have. i'm emotionless outside and i'm being torn up inside. ugh. i'm so afraid of being bad for someone that i can't be good. well here goes, i'm going to change that.
i'm in amsterdam, far from a girl i'm interested in. i have the feeling that i could be good for her. why shouldn't i? im not particularly awful or anything. i'm a tortured sensitive soul. i don't know. i'm not terrible or anything.
i'm listening to bonnaroo. radiohead. naturally. i want to write. do i? i haven't actually figured that out. i must be on some fucked up schedule. have to compensate for my mom waking me up at odd hours.
fucker.
i tried talking with debrah last night. debrah. can't forget that h. maybe i will again. time difference sucks though. well i will be seeing her in spain. better make sure that goes well.
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