100 Broken Windows says: (04:04:50)
hi half caste mang
Citizen Erased || I don't wanna be a spirit in your material world. says: (04:05:07)
mang
100 Broken Windows says: (04:05:35)
stop doing the lol@ thing
100 Broken Windows says: (04:05:41)
it makes you look even stupider than you are
Citizen Erased || I don't wanna be a spirit in your material world. says: (04:05:42)
kk
100 Broken Windows says: (04:06:00)
you're like a dumb dog with a new trick
100 Broken Windows says: (04:06:07)
and i wanna kick your faggot face in
Citizen Erased || I don't wanna be a spirit in your material world. says: (04:06:10)
you're like a dumb dog with an old trick
100 Broken Windows says: (04:06:16)
oh, wow
100 Broken Windows says: (04:06:18)
stunned.
30 November 2006
14 November 2006
14 october 2006
i'm drinking coffee and vodka after a sleepless night.
up since 9 PM and it's 1 PM. i'm ODing on vodka and coffee lol. But now I'm trying to sleep. see how well that's working? Talked with Irina from about 7:30 till 10. God. Apparently she's had a black stalker. half-black? doesn't matter I guess. I'm just obscenely in love with this girl. she's worth all the waiting. I don't even feel the need to get laid at this point. remarkable for a boy, no?
Ok I can trick myself as much as I want, Whatever. I suppose I need to get mum a melón and some more lemons. naranjas as well, since i'm always making zumo naranja. fun.
"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them."
Had a stimulating discussion with mum about Radiohead. Few conversations stand out like this. She's listening to The Eraser. I want her to continue through HTDC and Analyse. Beautiful songs. Amazing. I almost cried to How to disappear. I don't want to disappear. I want to be a whole. I will be. With Irina. I hope. I have to. That's all.
up since 9 PM and it's 1 PM. i'm ODing on vodka and coffee lol. But now I'm trying to sleep. see how well that's working? Talked with Irina from about 7:30 till 10. God. Apparently she's had a black stalker. half-black? doesn't matter I guess. I'm just obscenely in love with this girl. she's worth all the waiting. I don't even feel the need to get laid at this point. remarkable for a boy, no?
Ok I can trick myself as much as I want, Whatever. I suppose I need to get mum a melón and some more lemons. naranjas as well, since i'm always making zumo naranja. fun.
"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them."
Had a stimulating discussion with mum about Radiohead. Few conversations stand out like this. She's listening to The Eraser. I want her to continue through HTDC and Analyse. Beautiful songs. Amazing. I almost cried to How to disappear. I don't want to disappear. I want to be a whole. I will be. With Irina. I hope. I have to. That's all.
13 october 2006
- green peppers
- lentils
- tomatoes
- mineral water
- mushrooms
- tinto crianza
- lemons
- melon
today is friday the 13th. acknowledge this.
12 october 2006
it's about 24 hours since I last talked to irina. I desperately miss her. and love her. she left me an e-mail since I didn't turn up online. I'll email her back as soon as I'm in the right place.
or I'll go to the internet cafe close to here. mom, she feels like she can just seek affirmation at any point from me. I can't be the one to do that obviously, she has to do it for herself.
but she'll never understand.
I had a dream last night. I was out with Ira and some friends. when we got to a house and were finally in private i tried to kiss her, but she didn't want to.
I feel as if I can't get to her. there is something in the way.
i know she wanted to talk to me last night but despite at one point waking up at a quarter to 6 AM (12AM her time) I still couldn't do it. I can't face up to it.
I feel broken. she loves me. she makes me feel wonderful, but alone i am desperately alone.
cymbal rush is so beautiful.
we went all the way down to the port vell, at the end of las ramblas and via laietana. the post office (correos) was closed today. we'll have to go at another point, maybe with postcards and emily's magazine.
that'd be a good idea.
there is a twinge of annoyance associated with the fact I'm not with the love of my life (lolzerz) but on the whole, I feel terribly lucky that we both love each other so much. it's a good feeling.
my headache isn't.
ugh. i'm tired. and sometimes i just want not to hear anything. at. all.
or I'll go to the internet cafe close to here. mom, she feels like she can just seek affirmation at any point from me. I can't be the one to do that obviously, she has to do it for herself.
but she'll never understand.
I had a dream last night. I was out with Ira and some friends. when we got to a house and were finally in private i tried to kiss her, but she didn't want to.
I feel as if I can't get to her. there is something in the way.
i know she wanted to talk to me last night but despite at one point waking up at a quarter to 6 AM (12AM her time) I still couldn't do it. I can't face up to it.
I feel broken. she loves me. she makes me feel wonderful, but alone i am desperately alone.
cymbal rush is so beautiful.
we went all the way down to the port vell, at the end of las ramblas and via laietana. the post office (correos) was closed today. we'll have to go at another point, maybe with postcards and emily's magazine.
that'd be a good idea.
there is a twinge of annoyance associated with the fact I'm not with the love of my life (lolzerz) but on the whole, I feel terribly lucky that we both love each other so much. it's a good feeling.
my headache isn't.
ugh. i'm tired. and sometimes i just want not to hear anything. at. all.
14 October 2006
10 october 2006
took three sleeping pills. my handwriting is deteriorating. plug in baby. supposedly my writing is disjointed, hard to follow and quite anxious. as are songs in 5/4 time signature. like morning bell and 15 step. quite unsettling. did some more transcribing into my blogger. i know i need to write my essay. mum sent hers in and has an interview scheduled. well i shall sleep fornow. i'm desperately in love.
9 october 2006
the fridge buzz of the world, the background noise we tune out that comes to us as we try to sleep, there are no insomniacs, just neurotics. nothing works, sleep doesn't come, count to 120 still we lie awake, worried about the next day, knowing there's nothing we can do about it now. i need a sleeping pill. something. i need to sleep. that is clear to me.
woke up with 7 mosquito bites at 5 in the morning. only about 4 hours after i had gone to sleep. i am of the opinion that not only do radiohead not want to behave like rock stars, they are incapable of acting the part which makes me love 'em even more.
woke up with 7 mosquito bites at 5 in the morning. only about 4 hours after i had gone to sleep. i am of the opinion that not only do radiohead not want to behave like rock stars, they are incapable of acting the part which makes me love 'em even more.
8 october 2006
I can't be bothered to post in Atease.
I'm the fucking Juggernaut.
Been sleeping like a dog lately. Mum was interpreting Kid A. I can't be bothered being awake unless I'm talking to Irina. Because I'm sick. Ugh. Damn illness. I got two big bottles of water. We've needed those. Mum doesn't know if she's making sense. I can't be bothered writing large sentences. Pause between words. Shaky. Getting more deep. Than usual. Stop.
I'm the fucking Juggernaut.
Been sleeping like a dog lately. Mum was interpreting Kid A. I can't be bothered being awake unless I'm talking to Irina. Because I'm sick. Ugh. Damn illness. I got two big bottles of water. We've needed those. Mum doesn't know if she's making sense. I can't be bothered writing large sentences. Pause between words. Shaky. Getting more deep. Than usual. Stop.
6 october 2006
third day one page. obviously the writing is a little lacking. ira is still in my mind constantly. I worry and when don't I? I made pasta today. fun. haven't check my email, have I? maybe. not interested in getting drunk today. unless i get cure that is. iluvya is interesting. making up another tracklisting. we'll see how that goes.
5 october 2006
having slept muchly during the day yesterday, i didn't need much today. i feel really sick today. ugh. congestion.
4 october 2006
I explored El Raval today. Seem to have a better understanding of what's west of Las Ramblas. Nevertheless I went to sleep at 9 AM so, having had maybe 5 hours of sleep, I'm getting some more. Famous last worlds. Ugh. Sleep.
3 october 2006
1:30 AM
I know Irina's there. On MSN. I really hope I can talk toher tongiht. God I love her. Doh. ANd I wrote a song. It really is nothing at this point. Lengthen the verses, put it to music, some sense of resolve. I really think it'd be a poisonous song to sing, about getting to someone for all eternity in hell for something they've done to you. Maybe I wouldn't do that, but I feel as if someone would to someone who ruined them.
Irina. God I feel pathetic, but I can't stop thinking of her.
7 AM
I sort of left things on bad terms with Irina when I left our conversation at about 5 or 6 in the morning, so I apologized after I got a PM from her.
What is harder is dealing with my mom, the autist. Aspie is more like it, but whatever. That's how I left it with Irina. "Whatever..."
Yeah I just can't get things right. I don't know if I fucked things up. I don't know if Irina really loves me or not.
I just don't know. And no one is making it any easier for me.
11:20 AM
I've been posting shit all day.
Worries, worries, worries. It seems to be all I'm about. They'll have the part in for the Powerbook. Big. Fucking. Relief.
I guess I could have a fake beer right now. Sin alcohol. "Scene alcohl" sounds like.
My life is full of worthless memories. I'm really worried that I might have turned off Irina with my amateur softcore porn. Well, apparently not, but still.
God if there was someone more pathetic than me, he'd still have lost his virginity before me.
Saw a record store with a lone HTTT special edition and various fake RH shirts. That is, not WASTE. oh well, i still want more shirts lolzerz.
Yeah, but it's funny I've not seen RH shirts around here. You'd think there be more RH fans.
Wish we knew some.
Wo. It's like my life is the same as my mother's.
Fuck. I don't have a singular identity.
This diary might outlive the month although I doubt it. I wrote another crummy song but who knows, it might work as a words set to music. And it rhymes.
Eh. Nothing to be excited for. I've not been happy or sad. Just numb when I'm not w/ Irina. I make her smile. Amazing.
I love her. I really do. She des make me smile. My life and body seem a bit lighter with her. When I'm not drowning it in alchohol.
I really should stop. My life is crummy enough to douse it in beer.
Whattevah.
Strong feelings of love to compensate for what is ultimately weak emotions. Lyrics can only communivate what I really feel. I feel trapped in my own body. Not trapped. Just dead. Comatose. What was it I wanted to say? Oh yeah, I scream. I can't come out and I feel worse for it. When I do, it's an outburst. I come out to cry, to fight, to scream, to laugh, to be a manic, to want to die, etc...otherwise it's a fragment of a story, some song lyrics. That or I masturbate.
Is it an illness? Is it a gift? Is it a gift to have everything trapped? Is is a gift to be trapped in ones mind, in this bubble and it only bursts temporarily, then you're trapped in it again?
Suburban disease? A case of the bubble? All bottled up and under a torrential rain of beer and wine? To think you can feel something?
And then you don't... The end. There is nothing and no one to bring you out. You write and draw and play music that no one hears. and is that what this has amounted to?
Is this all I've amounted to?
I mean, does it come down to pills so I can feel normal? So I can feel normal and have swings or just numbness? Why must I feel like this? Why does it all amount to only tears? Is this worth living for?
So many questions, and I can't find the answers. Will I ever amount to anything? Will I ever be good for anyone?
Would I ever be good for her?
Could I be the one for her?
Then why is it so difficult, so impossible,and why does she not believe it is so?
I'm ending this day at 17:45 PM.
The 3rd of October 2006 closes.
I know Irina's there. On MSN. I really hope I can talk toher tongiht. God I love her. Doh. ANd I wrote a song. It really is nothing at this point. Lengthen the verses, put it to music, some sense of resolve. I really think it'd be a poisonous song to sing, about getting to someone for all eternity in hell for something they've done to you. Maybe I wouldn't do that, but I feel as if someone would to someone who ruined them.
Irina. God I feel pathetic, but I can't stop thinking of her.
7 AM
I sort of left things on bad terms with Irina when I left our conversation at about 5 or 6 in the morning, so I apologized after I got a PM from her.
What is harder is dealing with my mom, the autist. Aspie is more like it, but whatever. That's how I left it with Irina. "Whatever..."
Yeah I just can't get things right. I don't know if I fucked things up. I don't know if Irina really loves me or not.
I just don't know. And no one is making it any easier for me.
11:20 AM
I've been posting shit all day.
Worries, worries, worries. It seems to be all I'm about. They'll have the part in for the Powerbook. Big. Fucking. Relief.
I guess I could have a fake beer right now. Sin alcohol. "Scene alcohl" sounds like.
My life is full of worthless memories. I'm really worried that I might have turned off Irina with my amateur softcore porn. Well, apparently not, but still.
God if there was someone more pathetic than me, he'd still have lost his virginity before me.
Saw a record store with a lone HTTT special edition and various fake RH shirts. That is, not WASTE. oh well, i still want more shirts lolzerz.
Yeah, but it's funny I've not seen RH shirts around here. You'd think there be more RH fans.
Wish we knew some.
Wo. It's like my life is the same as my mother's.
Fuck. I don't have a singular identity.
This diary might outlive the month although I doubt it. I wrote another crummy song but who knows, it might work as a words set to music. And it rhymes.
Eh. Nothing to be excited for. I've not been happy or sad. Just numb when I'm not w/ Irina. I make her smile. Amazing.
I love her. I really do. She des make me smile. My life and body seem a bit lighter with her. When I'm not drowning it in alchohol.
I really should stop. My life is crummy enough to douse it in beer.
Whattevah.
Strong feelings of love to compensate for what is ultimately weak emotions. Lyrics can only communivate what I really feel. I feel trapped in my own body. Not trapped. Just dead. Comatose. What was it I wanted to say? Oh yeah, I scream. I can't come out and I feel worse for it. When I do, it's an outburst. I come out to cry, to fight, to scream, to laugh, to be a manic, to want to die, etc...otherwise it's a fragment of a story, some song lyrics. That or I masturbate.
Is it an illness? Is it a gift? Is it a gift to have everything trapped? Is is a gift to be trapped in ones mind, in this bubble and it only bursts temporarily, then you're trapped in it again?
Suburban disease? A case of the bubble? All bottled up and under a torrential rain of beer and wine? To think you can feel something?
And then you don't... The end. There is nothing and no one to bring you out. You write and draw and play music that no one hears. and is that what this has amounted to?
Is this all I've amounted to?
I mean, does it come down to pills so I can feel normal? So I can feel normal and have swings or just numbness? Why must I feel like this? Why does it all amount to only tears? Is this worth living for?
So many questions, and I can't find the answers. Will I ever amount to anything? Will I ever be good for anyone?
Would I ever be good for her?
Could I be the one for her?
Then why is it so difficult, so impossible,and why does she not believe it is so?
I'm ending this day at 17:45 PM.
The 3rd of October 2006 closes.
13 October 2006
2 october 2006
It was sunny and hot and we were forced out of the apartment so that they could show it to people. Went to a vegetarian place called BiOasis which was good. Then we went to La Viaetana because we got lost. Trying to find a bookstore. Then Corte Ingles for stuff. Now we've gone to some place for pastas and stuff are are at Cafe Escac on Carrer d'Elisabets in El Raval. And I hope we're going to Food Ball, a very vegan place that looks cool. I got some yesterday and it was a good way to survive. Fun. Oh and Irina, she still loves me. Wub.
I just had this idea for a music video in which my band is playing on the side of a freeway and fans start turning out, some getting hit by the drivers that don't give right of way to the fans. More and more fans come though and by the end of the song, acar truck is about to hit them and instead of crushing them it flies high into the air and crashes down on the street behind the other side of the freeway.
10:00 So Debrah's not coming to Barcelona. At some I guess I was set on her coming but now I could care less. There are very few things I would get disappointed about.
Obviously I'm set more on seeing Ira at some point in my life. She actually does care for me, moreso than some casual friends from the OC. I mean, honestly, how many times do you run into that?
Obviously I'm very much in love with her. I was somewhat interested in Debrah, but I didn't really believe anything was possible when obviously people in the OC would rather just have lots of fun to make up for how boring the place is. I knew that I was a better person at the end of August but I don't think it related as much to Debrah. But Ira makes me proud to be the way I am.
God I love her. It's completely overwhelming yet I'm at peace now that I'm writing. I could sleep a little although I don't trust that my mom will wake me up.
I've decided to utterly detach from the old world, that is, the OC. Everything in my life has been preparing for the detachment. I belong nowhere. I'm a free spirit.
Watch me!
I have a few pages left, less than a month I sense. The other diary will be that. A writer's journal. I've already started filling it in with worthless fragments that might be something as some whole. I still don't know where I'm coming from. I don't have a story, just some disjointed events. And I wonder why I'm still awake, wasting the pages. Is most of this filler? A love note to my future self? Tell myself who I was when I came to Spain... What'll this become? Is it the start of something even greater? Will it become the world?Am I ever meant to settle? What's next for me?
Could I possibly go back? Do I want to? So many things unresolved, yet so many bad omens... People I once cared for and never will again? Countless people who've disappointed me... Think they know me better than I know myself? I do have a dream... but will I realize it? Am I the sort of person who is resolved to sit at a desk doing data entry for the rest of my life? Would I kill myself or leave if it came to that? I don't want that...I'd rather run away with my guitar and meet fellow musicians in some strange underworld...who cares if I work in kitchens to live in a room, as long as I can live my dream, find the people that'll strive to be the band I've always dreamed of? I won't sacrifice my dream for anything.
Except love.
I just had this idea for a music video in which my band is playing on the side of a freeway and fans start turning out, some getting hit by the drivers that don't give right of way to the fans. More and more fans come though and by the end of the song, a
10:00 So Debrah's not coming to Barcelona. At some I guess I was set on her coming but now I could care less. There are very few things I would get disappointed about.
Obviously I'm set more on seeing Ira at some point in my life. She actually does care for me, moreso than some casual friends from the OC. I mean, honestly, how many times do you run into that?
Obviously I'm very much in love with her. I was somewhat interested in Debrah, but I didn't really believe anything was possible when obviously people in the OC would rather just have lots of fun to make up for how boring the place is. I knew that I was a better person at the end of August but I don't think it related as much to Debrah. But Ira makes me proud to be the way I am.
God I love her. It's completely overwhelming yet I'm at peace now that I'm writing. I could sleep a little although I don't trust that my mom will wake me up.
I've decided to utterly detach from the old world, that is, the OC. Everything in my life has been preparing for the detachment. I belong nowhere. I'm a free spirit.
Watch me!
I have a few pages left, less than a month I sense. The other diary will be that. A writer's journal. I've already started filling it in with worthless fragments that might be something as some whole. I still don't know where I'm coming from. I don't have a story, just some disjointed events. And I wonder why I'm still awake, wasting the pages. Is most of this filler? A love note to my future self? Tell myself who I was when I came to Spain... What'll this become? Is it the start of something even greater? Will it become the world?Am I ever meant to settle? What's next for me?
Could I possibly go back? Do I want to? So many things unresolved, yet so many bad omens... People I once cared for and never will again? Countless people who've disappointed me... Think they know me better than I know myself? I do have a dream... but will I realize it? Am I the sort of person who is resolved to sit at a desk doing data entry for the rest of my life? Would I kill myself or leave if it came to that? I don't want that...I'd rather run away with my guitar and meet fellow musicians in some strange underworld...who cares if I work in kitchens to live in a room, as long as I can live my dream, find the people that'll strive to be the band I've always dreamed of? I won't sacrifice my dream for anything.
Except love.
1 october 2006
for a day when the shops do open
Garlic-la boqueria
Tofu 2 or 3
Pesto
Lemons/Limes
Mineral Water-supermercat
soap dish
paella
rice milk
tortillas
tomatoes
barra queso
nata
The ability to PWN does not relate exclusively to how the PWNee reacts, just to the ego boost the PWNer subseq. feels.
Ateaseweb for Dummies
Dummies want to fit in too
First step: Realize how much of an idiot you really are. Second step: Bring it down to your level. Third step: Enjoy your playground.
On Ateaseweb, a message board has brought the world together to have coherent conversations on Radiohead. Tall, small, thin, fat, old, young, intelligent, dumb. Imagine, a place for all Radiohead fans alike,to share their days.
Of course, the first 6 only translate to General Chat and the Atease Mugshots thread where we can "know who we're stalking." Intelligence, however, when restricted to posts that exceed a few words and/or a smiley, comes across quite nicely. And when your words don't across because you have a vocabulary impediment and a lack of a grasp on what using your mind is about, forget learning to make your world a little bigger--rather the bully vengeancet in hand foragainst those that make him feel like the mentally incapacitated idiot he is, comes out to play. Let's picture a scenario: The towering intellect and the mindless bully on atease. Another mentality someitmes comes across on Atease when intellects (and, er, lack of intellects) collide. It's an ugly thing when the member who came onto Atease for a good time finds to talk of things that matter finds his one day wrought upon him by a variety of, what are essentially, a bunch of lower intellect bullies and their aliases as they lay insult upon insult despite the pseudo-intellectuals rational statements. There is no higher purpose to the bullies than bringing them down to their level so they can rule the playground in a way they failed to as insecure, haunted weak, dumb children in elementary school, where they felt as misunderstood as anyone else who got into Radiohead. To be perfectly hnest though, Atease has responded perfectly to them. Through their irrationality (on par with any radicalist politician in this era of unreasonability), they actually can get away with stamping on the stating BS while the desperate pleas for rationality and reason here go unheard. We seek solace only to have the same mindless idiots come in from our tortured pasts, fighting their for their egos, which are like a supermassive black hole, sucking everythhing in and only being lit enough for a small moment (maybe even a brain cell sparking), making their sad lives feel for a moment on par with the sad intellectual lives they've squandered. And instead of a formidable front that Atease can protect those that stand for them, they look on, scared. Really, Atease, you should be so proud of yourself. We really have come so far. I just pray to my non-existent god all the good ateasers are driven out and this becomes as insular as RHMB. Oh and "TL;DR" just shows how my point is exceptionally valid here. How disappointing.
I saw through them, I saw through their lies, and I put them in their place for it. Sounds mildly hysterical, but I finally feel of some worth.
My point has not come across completely. and there are those that will be blind to everything but they are at fault.
I know there's something up in some place, but I can't be sure. I haven't talked to Irina since yesterday (troubling...). Or Ira. Wtvr.
And I feel as if I should be doing some creative writing, instead of worrying.
I don't want to be jealous anymore. The nagging thought begs at me, but if she does, whos's she hurting? I could be doing the same thing if I wanted.
Though I want to be with her.
Fuck my emo hysterics. :sad:
Tofu 2 or 3
Pesto
Mineral Water-supermercat
soap dish
paella
rice milk
tortillas
barra queso
nata
The ability to PWN does not relate exclusively to how the PWNee reacts, just to the ego boost the PWNer subseq. feels.
Ateaseweb for Dummies
Dummies want to fit in too
First step: Realize how much of an idiot you really are. Second step: Bring it down to your level. Third step: Enjoy your playground.
On Ateaseweb, a message board has brought the world together to have coherent conversations on Radiohead. Tall, small, thin, fat, old, young, intelligent, dumb. Imagine, a place for all Radiohead fans alike,
Of course, the first 6 only translate to General Chat and the Atease Mugshots thread where we can "know who we're stalking." Intelligence, however, when restricted to posts that exceed a few words and/or a smiley, comes across quite nicely. And when your words don't across because you have a vocabulary impediment and a lack of a grasp on what using your mind is about, forget learning to make your world a little bigger--rather the bully vengean
I saw through them, I saw through their lies, and I put them in their place for it. Sounds mildly hysterical, but I finally feel of some worth.
My point has not come across completely. and there are those that will be blind to everything but they are at fault.
I know there's something up in some place, but I can't be sure. I haven't talked to Irina since yesterday (troubling...). Or Ira. Wtvr.
And I feel as if I should be doing some creative writing, instead of worrying.
I don't want to be jealous anymore. The nagging thought begs at me, but if she does, whos's she hurting? I could be doing the same thing if I wanted.
Though I want to be with her.
Fuck my emo hysterics. :sad:
30 september 2006
I'm going to write my story.
So I wrote. Didn't like the development of this dystopia thing, so I got onto some memories of the tour and what is resolved to be how Radiohead brought love to two fans. Irina and me, obviously. Donno if I should do it autobiographical or not. Eh, we'll see. So much magic this tour.
I'm in love. Doh.
At least the internet isn't dead anymore. But mom is making up for lost time as one'd expect. It's 15 minutes to 9 in Irina's part of the world so there's still time. To analyse...
And Thom Yorke is in love.
Wtf? Haha! Yeh, he's said they're all love songs. And skip divided about sex. And slick black oil.
Do I even want to include mutants in my story? There's more magic in this world than any other. Keep it real, methinks.
I love her.
And I do feel vaguely connected. So I don't think that it isn't possible. Fun.
If she's not on MSN, I want to actually call her. No doubt she'd be my first out of country call in like ever, so it's got to be special. Fuck I love her.
I hope I didn't disappoint her lately. Sad. She's so amazing. Yay.
I love her. I love the fact that there is so much love now. Love, love, love, it's just everywhere. Radiohead and Thom Yorke brough us love. Wow.
Yeah I'm pathetic. But she loves me for it.
Goddammit she's not online. :cry: ugh. I'm so pathetic. Eh. And needy apparently. I miss her. What if she has a boyfriend? What if she's having sex? What if I upset her? I love her. Shit. This always happens.
Learning a second language is like entering the world as a baby. Putting names to images, grasping alien concepts, learning the proper social ettiquette of a culture, all are the sort of things that we must grasp again, as we did when we were young. How exactly are we to ask for things when pointing (and crying, god forbid) fail us? In very much the same way as we did as youngsters, we have to learn how to say what we need and like (and this time around, they're like to be even less patient than our parents). So what do we do? It would be a hard and laborious process to try to learn on our own and we need someone to guide us as they did when we first learned our own language. Part of it is the want or need to learn. We also need to have the ability to learn, to open ourselves to a new way of thinking. Finally we need the proper surroundings.
Call her Ira for fucks sake.
Everyone understands images.
So I wrote. Didn't like the development of this dystopia thing, so I got onto some memories of the tour and what is resolved to be how Radiohead brought love to two fans. Irina and me, obviously. Donno if I should do it autobiographical or not. Eh, we'll see. So much magic this tour.
I'm in love. Doh.
At least the internet isn't dead anymore. But mom is making up for lost time as one'd expect. It's 15 minutes to 9 in Irina's part of the world so there's still time. To analyse...
And Thom Yorke is in love.
Wtf? Haha! Yeh, he's said they're all love songs. And skip divided about sex. And slick black oil.
Do I even want to include mutants in my story? There's more magic in this world than any other. Keep it real, methinks.
I love her.
And I do feel vaguely connected. So I don't think that it isn't possible. Fun.
If she's not on MSN, I want to actually call her. No doubt she'd be my first out of country call in like ever, so it's got to be special. Fuck I love her.
I hope I didn't disappoint her lately. Sad. She's so amazing. Yay.
I love her. I love the fact that there is so much love now. Love, love, love, it's just everywhere. Radiohead and Thom Yorke brough us love. Wow.
Yeah I'm pathetic. But she loves me for it.
Goddammit she's not online. :cry: ugh. I'm so pathetic. Eh. And needy apparently. I miss her. What if she has a boyfriend? What if she's having sex? What if I upset her? I love her. Shit. This always happens.
Learning a second language is like entering the world as a baby. Putting names to images, grasping alien concepts, learning the proper social ettiquette of a culture, all are the sort of things that we must grasp again, as we did when we were young. How exactly are we to ask for things when pointing (and crying, god forbid) fail us? In very much the same way as we did as youngsters, we have to learn how to say what we need and like (and this time around, they're like to be even less patient than our parents). So what do we do? It would be a hard and laborious process to try to learn on our own and we need someone to guide us as they did when we first learned our own language. Part of it is the want or need to learn. We also need to have the ability to learn, to open ourselves to a new way of thinking. Finally we need the proper surroundings.
Call her Ira for fucks sake.
Everyone understands images.
11 October 2006
29 september 2006
A day in which I realize that growth stops when you are burnt to a crisp. Wilda Fuentes-Bills, my beautiful grandmother, did not age another year this year, although her spirit has. I truly believe and want to believe that we live on. The memory of her hasn't faded, because those that love her keep her close.
Fuck! I love Cerveza Clara! Just went to the MACBA (got a "tres mesa" abonement for it) and now sitting outside of a café here.
Eh, it's not Wilda's birthday, but 2morrow it will be. Still I've felt that I wanted to write about her. Now I have.
Choir part in Paranoid Android. It's not exactly Choir, it's Thom's voice sampled, saying "Om." Fuck it's beautiful though.
Right now I feel like writing. Perhaps it's the beer. I want to get drunk with Irina. Uno is absolutely amazing. God I love her. It must be nostalgia, but right now nothing seems more perfect.
15 minutes to great bell toll. This is the end of a more productive day at least, although the Internet is dead now. I suppose I'm not going to get to talk to Irina today. Or tomorrow. Fuck. Well, I'm in love obviously. Irina. God I love you.
Sentimental drivel.
Well I wasn't asking anyone was I? And she appreciates my emobullshit drivel. And she likes Muse. God I just find her amazing. Plus she's Russian. 34C. Hot. As. Fuck. And she's totally fallen for me.
10 minutes now. I need to use the loo. Badly. Wtf? And I owe her a good excuse for this. God I love her.
I'm obsessing.
But she's totally hot for me.
But she's like your twin!
And that's a bad thing?
Are you in love?
Yes. How can I prove it? Ugh. Is there an explanation? There is nothing to explain, Thom Yorke once sang. And so it is with this. Open Pick is that.
And for whatever reason, I feel like I need her and only her.
She's amazing. She knows she can be honest with me. And I'm so glad she's alive. So fucking glad.
I fucking love her.
Which makes me sad.
And her birthday is the 25th of July which makes her a week older than me. Wierd. Still in a 29July September mindset.
Fuck! I love Cerveza Clara! Just went to the MACBA (got a "tres mesa" abonement for it) and now sitting outside of a café here.
Eh, it's not Wilda's birthday, but 2morrow it will be. Still I've felt that I wanted to write about her. Now I have.
Choir part in Paranoid Android. It's not exactly Choir, it's Thom's voice sampled, saying "Om." Fuck it's beautiful though.
Right now I feel like writing. Perhaps it's the beer. I want to get drunk with Irina. Uno is absolutely amazing. God I love her. It must be nostalgia, but right now nothing seems more perfect.
15 minutes to great bell toll. This is the end of a more productive day at least, although the Internet is dead now. I suppose I'm not going to get to talk to Irina today. Or tomorrow. Fuck. Well, I'm in love obviously. Irina. God I love you.
Sentimental drivel.
Well I wasn't asking anyone was I? And she appreciates my emo
10 minutes now. I need to use the loo. Badly. Wtf? And I owe her a good excuse for this. God I love her.
I'm obsessing.
But she's totally hot for me.
But she's like your twin!
And that's a bad thing?
Are you in love?
Yes. How can I prove it? Ugh. Is there an explanation? There is nothing to explain, Thom Yorke once sang. And so it is with this. Open Pick is that.
And for whatever reason, I feel like I need her and only her.
She's amazing. She knows she can be honest with me. And I'm so glad she's alive. So fucking glad.
I fucking love her.
Which makes me sad.
And her birthday is the 25th of July which makes her a week older than me. Wierd. Still in a 29
10 October 2006
26 september 2006
9:17 PM
In about 40 minutes, I need to have completed something that can pass for an essay. Something I'm going to do now to get into the spirit, this one will be called Rambling on Las Ramblas.
No use premeditating, or anything. I've just got to get this out. It's been long enough. I need to set out to do this. Life has brought me this far, with all the pitfalls and achievements.
To be honest I would never have seen myself here, living like this. Life has prepared me for this even though it never told me straightforward that I would be here, in this place. Somehow it all makes sense that I'm here.
It's all about learning. Not anything I could have been taught in schoo, no this is something that many can't cope with. This change has been tearing at me but it really can't be any other way, can it? I mean, I had to get out of this rut where I was attached to a place. The more time passed, the more the thing that had kept me there seemed so futile. Last time, my life was so miserable because I couldn't let go. Through much disappointment, I eventually had to learn that no matter what feelings I had for someone, they might not be reciprocated. Meaning I had to be scared into this situation where I eventually overcame that same fear, that I could leave everything I was used to and make something of myself where there had been nothing of me.
Fear can trap us, but we have it in us to learn and conquer that fear. There are few things as scary as having to survive in a place where you don't speak the language. But if we open up to the world, we can see the light, we can see that like everything else, we can learn what we need to to survive. We need that fear that we could just fall over without learning, but we also need the courage to step up and take the challenge.
Fear brings us to the steps of the place where we will find the tools to brandish so we can survive. But learning to hold them is another thing. Everyone learns in a different way, from memory of how our word for apple becomes the very English apple, and associating it with the image. It's one very different thing to have to acknowledge your view of the world is very similar and at the same time very different when you have to immerse yourself into the world view while abandoning everything you once knew, at least in an extremely verbal attack on your only method of communicating. It's a lot harder to sift through the language in an everyday manner. You might get by after a week just counting up and remembering fruits of watever, but still, we can't connect words that aren't things as easily. We see signs everywhere, and we get used to them, and in this way, reading, we can connect.
Humans understand images. We see the same things wherever we are, unless we're blind, in which case we have to approach things very differently. If we can learn to relate the image to the word and further rendering of of this image brings to mind both words of two different yet similar words, we've begun learning. And hopefully it will bring us to the point that we can bring up the word as if we had known the word since we were young. We are stepping into a new world, as infants, because now, more than ever, we must again learn how to relate in a quite different world.
Picture us entering the world again, embracing the colors of the world, but this time we are opening up to life in Spain. Indeed coming to Spain and being in Barcelona has been an eye-opening experience for me. When we immerse ourselves in another language, we aren't expected to know more than the concepts of the images and then we must relate them to the worlds in the same way as we did when we were learning our first language and we had a very vague dictionary to draw on when we had to assimilate into this world. In many ways this is a rebirth and for the rest of our lives we'll have two minds, two languages. We can draw on this language for the duration of our lives to associate with more people than we could've imagined, because we grew up in two different worlds.
10:00 PM
Rambling on Las Ramblas
When we were very young, we came into this world having to grasp images and then put names to them, so we could tell our parents exactly what we wanted once crying began to fail us. In very much the same way, learning another language can be just as fruitful when we find ourselves in the position where we need to know how to say the things so we can survive in a different country. This is essentially the scenario where we want to learn, know how to learn and be in the right place for learning.
Much like when we were babies, it becomes tiring when we have to resort to something other than spoken language to get what we want, so we decide we need to learn the language so we can get around easier. Even more, we are virtually in a situation where we cannot communicate with peers, and need to be able to say more than what is necessary to buy a pa con chocolat at the local bakery. Essentially this is the situation where we find ourselves wanting to learn.
Next we have to begin to associate the things, the concrete things, the ones that denote an image and in the same way we did as babies associate an image with that. We need to open ourselves to this world, as we did as youngsters, and the concepts will again come to us as they did before. When I arrived in Barcelona, I came wide-eyed, taking everything in, associating the stores with what they sold, and having to understand that there were even stores that specialized in things rather than in the suburbs where everyone could get everything from one giant superstore. I had to associate names with these concepts as well.
Nevertheless, we can't possibly learn everything we can about a language, not ever as adults, without assistance. There are more concepts to be weary of than we can possibly learn throughout a few months. Thus we need to be in the situation where we're forcefed the ideas and words in rations instead of forced to comprehend an entire world that is entirely alien to us. In much the same way as kids, we're taught that abstract concepts have words for them and only then can we begin to understand how the two words are linked and such.
In conclusion, we find ourselves grown up again once we master the language and begin to understand a different place where our old ideas don't entirely fit in. We, instead of translating, associate the words in a new language as we do with our first languageand the images that they represent. We've grown up twice, thrice, depending on the number of languages, and we can now exist knowingly in two worlds, such as for me an English-speaking world and a Spanish-speaking world, and for the duration of our lives, we can take these and use them where knowing only one language would fail us. 10:40 PM
In about 40 minutes, I need to have completed something that can pass for an essay. Something I'm going to do now to get into the spirit, this one will be called Rambling on Las Ramblas.
No use premeditating, or anything. I've just got to get this out. It's been long enough. I need to set out to do this. Life has brought me this far, with all the pitfalls and achievements.
To be honest I would never have seen myself here, living like this. Life has prepared me for this even though it never told me straightforward that I would be here, in this place. Somehow it all makes sense that I'm here.
It's all about learning. Not anything I could have been taught in schoo, no this is something that many can't cope with. This change has been tearing at me but it really can't be any other way, can it? I mean, I had to get out of this rut where I was attached to a place. The more time passed, the more the thing that had kept me there seemed so futile. Last time, my life was so miserable because I couldn't let go. Through much disappointment, I eventually had to learn that no matter what feelings I had for someone, they might not be reciprocated. Meaning I had to be scared into this situation where I eventually overcame that same fear, that I could leave everything I was used to and make something of myself where there had been nothing of me.
Fear can trap us, but we have it in us to learn and conquer that fear. There are few things as scary as having to survive in a place where you don't speak the language. But if we open up to the world, we can see the light, we can see that like everything else, we can learn what we need to to survive. We need that fear that we could just fall over without learning, but we also need the courage to step up and take the challenge.
Fear brings us to the steps of the place where we will find the tools to brandish so we can survive. But learning to hold them is another thing. Everyone learns in a different way, from memory of how our word for apple becomes the very English apple, and associating it with the image. It's one very different thing to have to acknowledge your view of the world is very similar and at the same time very different when you have to immerse yourself into the world view while abandoning everything you once knew, at least in an extremely verbal attack on your only method of communicating. It's a lot harder to sift through the language in an everyday manner. You might get by after a week just counting up and remembering fruits of watever, but still, we can't connect words that aren't things as easily. We see signs everywhere, and we get used to them, and in this way, reading, we can connect.
Humans understand images. We see the same things wherever we are, unless we're blind, in which case we have to approach things very differently. If we can learn to relate the image to the word and further rendering of of this image brings to mind both words of two different yet similar words, we've begun learning. And hopefully it will bring us to the point that we can bring up the word as if we had known the word since we were young. We are stepping into a new world, as infants, because now, more than ever, we must again learn how to relate in a quite different world.
Picture us entering the world again, embracing the colors of the world, but this time we are opening up to life in Spain. Indeed coming to Spain and being in Barcelona has been an eye-opening experience for me. When we immerse ourselves in another language, we aren't expected to know more than the concepts of the images and then we must relate them to the worlds in the same way as we did when we were learning our first language and we had a very vague dictionary to draw on when we had to assimilate into this world. In many ways this is a rebirth and for the rest of our lives we'll have two minds, two languages. We can draw on this language for the duration of our lives to associate with more people than we could've imagined, because we grew up in two different worlds.
10:00 PM
Rambling on Las Ramblas
When we were very young, we came into this world having to grasp images and then put names to them, so we could tell our parents exactly what we wanted once crying began to fail us. In very much the same way, learning another language can be just as fruitful when we find ourselves in the position where we need to know how to say the things so we can survive in a different country. This is essentially the scenario where we want to learn, know how to learn and be in the right place for learning.
Much like when we were babies, it becomes tiring when we have to resort to something other than spoken language to get what we want, so we decide we need to learn the language so we can get around easier. Even more, we are virtually in a situation where we cannot communicate with peers, and need to be able to say more than what is necessary to buy a pa con chocolat at the local bakery. Essentially this is the situation where we find ourselves wanting to learn.
Next we have to begin to associate the things, the concrete things, the ones that denote an image and in the same way we did as babies associate an image with that. We need to open ourselves to this world, as we did as youngsters, and the concepts will again come to us as they did before. When I arrived in Barcelona, I came wide-eyed, taking everything in, associating the stores with what they sold, and having to understand that there were even stores that specialized in things rather than in the suburbs where everyone could get everything from one giant superstore. I had to associate names with these concepts as well.
Nevertheless, we can't possibly learn everything we can about a language, not ever as adults, without assistance. There are more concepts to be weary of than we can possibly learn throughout a few months. Thus we need to be in the situation where we're forcefed the ideas and words in rations instead of forced to comprehend an entire world that is entirely alien to us. In much the same way as kids, we're taught that abstract concepts have words for them and only then can we begin to understand how the two words are linked and such.
In conclusion, we find ourselves grown up again once we master the language and begin to understand a different place where our old ideas don't entirely fit in. We, instead of translating, associate the words in a new language as we do with our first languageand the images that they represent. We've grown up twice, thrice, depending on the number of languages, and we can now exist knowingly in two worlds, such as for me an English-speaking world and a Spanish-speaking world, and for the duration of our lives, we can take these and use them where knowing only one language would fail us. 10:40 PM
25 september 2006
The past few days have been depressing and sickly and despite my best efforts to get out, I've been stricken down as well as my mum. Two loves, one who is cold at times, Janeen, and Irina, who is warm and might even love me.
Fuck.
I want her. She's a leo and 20 (which puts her within 2 weeks of my birthday). She really likes me! And she's from Toronto...
Oh man. I need to be with her. Like nothing I can explain.
I'm so alone. But I'm not hopeless. Laura has been helpful as well. I mean we help each other and we're so much alike. We'll see.
I just remembered an unfortunate situation from last year. It had already been an extremely wierd day wherein I got EXTREMELY drunk off tequila and Jagermeister, with Sheena, Samantha and this other guy. Anyway (since it was Wednesday) we went to Pop Vocal Technique and fucking jock Matt Smalley started passing notes to Sheena who was right next to me.
I wouldn't be surprised if he had gotten laid that ngiht. I can still remember the uncertainty and confusion that unwillingly got to me.
I hate humans.
A new day and I love Irina. Haha! Mom was depressed last night. Oh well. I'm going out to Corte Ingles for cebollas, platanos, a surge protector and 2 ethernet cords. Fun.
So everything is closed basically. I'm having a cerveza clara (white beer essentially), what mom describes as the best beer she's ever had. We're at Kasparo, which is in a plaça behind Plaça de Bonsucces (which could only be catalan).
The beer is very good. I'm still determined to go out tonight. No point in wasting the last day of festivities here. Newborn transitions into Paranoid Android well. That is kinda fucked up.
Rocking out to Muse's Plug In Baby. There can be no doubt the effect Muse have one me. I really want to see them live.
And hey, Irina likes Muse as well.
(Fuck, can't even get her out of my head!)
I can't help but feel guilty though, at least because of Janeen. Doh. Well, to be honest, now that I'm over Rachael, I rather want to have someone who is actually warm with me.
House of Cards. A lot of fuckers talking really loudly through House of Cards. What idiots. God, this is awful. They don't even LISTEN to the fucking band.
I hate British concertgoers.
Ok this Morning Bell is clearly Berkeley, but I don't remember if it was the 1st or 2nd day. Woh is that Berkeley? No it'snot. It's August 22nd. Thom just stopped the song because the crowd is mad.
I should figure out which House of Cards that was, though. Fucking CHAV cunts.
OK I like Shrinking Universe - Muse. And I've got to relax. Now would be a good time and leave around 9 or 10. Yeah.
Fuck.
I want her. She's a leo and 20 (which puts her within 2 weeks of my birthday). She really likes me! And she's from Toronto...
Oh man. I need to be with her. Like nothing I can explain.
I'm so alone. But I'm not hopeless. Laura has been helpful as well. I mean we help each other and we're so much alike. We'll see.
I just remembered an unfortunate situation from last year. It had already been an extremely wierd day wherein I got EXTREMELY drunk off tequila and Jagermeister, with Sheena, Samantha and this other guy. Anyway (since it was Wednesday) we went to Pop Vocal Technique and fucking jock Matt Smalley started passing notes to Sheena who was right next to me.
I wouldn't be surprised if he had gotten laid that ngiht. I can still remember the uncertainty and confusion that unwillingly got to me.
I hate humans.
A new day and I love Irina. Haha! Mom was depressed last night. Oh well. I'm going out to Corte Ingles for cebollas, platanos, a surge protector and 2 ethernet cords. Fun.
So everything is closed basically. I'm having a cerveza clara (white beer essentially), what mom describes as the best beer she's ever had. We're at Kasparo, which is in a plaça behind Plaça de Bonsucces (which could only be catalan).
The beer is very good. I'm still determined to go out tonight. No point in wasting the last day of festivities here. Newborn transitions into Paranoid Android well. That is kinda fucked up.
Rocking out to Muse's Plug In Baby. There can be no doubt the effect Muse have one me. I really want to see them live.
And hey, Irina likes Muse as well.
(Fuck, can't even get her out of my head!)
I can't help but feel guilty though, at least because of Janeen. Doh. Well, to be honest, now that I'm over Rachael, I rather want to have someone who is actually warm with me.
House of Cards. A lot of fuckers talking really loudly through House of Cards. What idiots. God, this is awful. They don't even LISTEN to the fucking band.
I hate British concertgoers.
Ok this Morning Bell is clearly Berkeley, but I don't remember if it was the 1st or 2nd day. Woh is that Berkeley? No it'snot. It's August 22nd. Thom just stopped the song because the crowd is mad.
I should figure out which House of Cards that was, though. Fucking CHAV cunts.
OK I like Shrinking Universe - Muse. And I've got to relax. Now would be a good time and leave around 9 or 10. Yeah.
20 september 2006
shopping list
onions
garlic
tomatoes
pasta
soy/rice milk
chocolate truffles
pecans/walnuts/almonds
bananas
parmesan
spices:
cumin
herbs:
basil
having problems with the wifi. didn't get all the food i was planning to. we're going to be virtually cashless until we go to the bank. i've been going to markets all day, stores, etc...
onions, garlic, tomatoes, parmesan, and waters and wine
onions
garlic
tomatoes
pasta
soy/rice milk
chocolate truffles
pecans/walnuts/almonds
bananas
parmesan
spices:
cumin
herbs:
basil
having problems with the wifi. didn't get all the food i was planning to. we're going to be virtually cashless until we go to the bank. i've been going to markets all day, stores, etc...
onions, garlic, tomatoes, parmesan, and waters and wine
18 september 2006
The relationship between me and my mother has been straining. I feel trapped, overburdened, and lonely. She thinks I have an attitude problem. Fuck. More decorations on my diaries. Although (changes pen) one of them will be for my (changes pen again) story. (okay this pen works)
Mum is...organizing her live 2006 Radiohead stuff. It truly is a neverending task. Since I wrote in my journal last, I cleaned my boots somewhat. Now armed with 40 euros, I want to add to my wardrobe what will make me look more scene. Yay. I think we need a transformed BTW, if I am to use my hair straightener. The pinnacle of scene emo kids, at least their hair.
To be honest, I've done a crap job personalizing my diaries. I added RH lyrics to the front of these DIARIES!!!
What could be an EP
I'd be there
I'd like to run
Shake all the demons out of me
I'd like to cry
Get the dirty waters out of me
And I'll be there crawling back
From the ether running back
I'd like to listen
Just tell me anything on your mind
Repeat chorus
I'd love to run
But you keep me down
I'd love to fly
But you keep me crawling around
I'd be there
I'd like to run / I'd love to to run
But you keep me down
I'd like to surpass / love to surpass
Too fucking emo. Ugh.
I'd love to run
But you need me to be around
I'd love to fly
But you love to keep me down
And I'll be there
Crawling back
From the ether
Running back
I'd love to be there
Just tell me anything on your mind
And I'd be there
Crawling back
From the ether
Running back
The poetry inside of me
Is lost in your chameleon eyes
I can force it but it won't come out
I don't know what to believe
The idiot inside of me
Is taking over now
And I'd be there
Crawling back
From the ether
Running back
And I'd be there
Crawling back
From the ether
Running back
1. I'd Be There
2. If I could stop
3.
BLAH
not enough good ideas
this particular night
too drunk to sleep
too tired to write
legibly
you don't want
to read this
i don't
wan't
to remember this
Mum is...organizing her live 2006 Radiohead stuff. It truly is a neverending task. Since I wrote in my journal last, I cleaned my boots somewhat. Now armed with 40 euros, I want to add to my wardrobe what will make me look more scene. Yay. I think we need a transformed BTW, if I am to use my hair straightener. The pinnacle of scene emo kids, at least their hair.
To be honest, I've done a crap job personalizing my diaries. I added RH lyrics to the front of these DIARIES!!!
What could be an EP
I'd be there
I'd like to run
Shake all the demons out of me
I'd like to cry
Get the dirty waters out of me
And I'll be there crawling back
From the ether running back
I'd like to listen
Just tell me anything on your mind
Repeat chorus
I'd love to run
But you keep me down
I'd love to fly
But you keep me crawling around
I'd be there
I'd like to run / I'd love to to run
But you keep me down
I'd like to surpass / love to surpass
Too fucking emo. Ugh.
I'd love to run
But you need me to be around
I'd love to fly
But you love to keep me down
And I'll be there
Crawling back
From the ether
Running back
I'd love to be there
Just tell me anything on your mind
And I'd be there
Crawling back
From the ether
Running back
The poetry inside of me
Is lost in your chameleon eyes
I can force it but it won't come out
I don't know what to believe
The idiot inside of me
Is taking over now
And I'd be there
Crawling back
From the ether
Running back
And I'd be there
Crawling back
From the ether
Running back
1. I'd Be There
2. If I could stop
3.
BLAH
not enough good ideas
this particular night
too drunk to sleep
too tired to write
legibly
you don't want
to read this
i don't
wan't
to remember this
17 september 2006
the days really seem to pass fast. not that I want them to, but its how it goes. mum made a salad for dinner and I talked a little with Lyd, Hildurutvarpshaus, and Posthuman, not to mention defending Wierd Fishee (mum) on the message board. It seems as if some people there post just to start a problem with us and without the least bit idea of what idiocy that they've just expressed. I suppose it's true that Aspies are more difficult to deal with (or whatever I am, manic, etc...) but it really does seem like it's just the assholes. Not to mention that people are so into the idea that every song about love or something is just a political metaphor. Idiots. I want to start writing about wanting to learn, knowing how to learn and having the time to learn. Personally I'm not in the perfect situation or moo to think about it. Mostly I just want to write about what I think. Think. Think. Think. Think. Howard Hughes hehe.
Don't bury your thoughts, let them come through, to the surface. Fly with them.
New age bullshit. Although it good to think of this. How have I set the tone? This whole diary thing is such bullshit. I'm just wrapped up in writing now, for the first time in ages, I feellike I can write even though nothing of significance is happening.
Insight into my mind.
That's what I have now. I can see clearly. Everything that has been said to me, about me, it's all in some past that only I can bring back. The past is past. No one wants to bring it up. Full of bad memories. I am here and now and that's more than I can say of most people. I am here because of the past but I don't have to drag it along with me ever again. No one knows me here I could very well act out as someone who I've always wanted to be, and I would pass. I am an actor. I know the craft, I am the method. Also it is something I have above other people. Make way for it is not JP Pulles, autistic, but Jean-Philippe Pulles, articulate and charming American in Barcelona (with a penchant for British accents).
21 pages in, and they have installed particles in this bed. CRUD!
So I'm in a particularly Muse state of mind. Maybe it's in anticipation of yet another Muse concert I'll miss. Hmm.
I really want to fit into this indie scene kid craze that virtually every I want to fuck is part of. I want to check out the girls at the clubs. Dos Trece has a downstairs club. Which might suit my needs presently.
Yet I don't speak the language. A smack head moment. I wouldn't want someone who wasn't bilingual would I? It'd just be about the sex then?
Hmm.
I really miss the guitar lately. Tis a shame I can't create when the actual inspiration is now coming to me. Hm. Well I can concentrate on longer writing anyway so this is a change. Should I start in the other diary though? I mean this one is virtually filled up with writing anyway. Hmm I keep noticing how dirty my shoe is. How strange. What a "Strangle the Chickens" moment. Heh. I'd better stop picking at this thing on my face. Shame-ridden.
Ugh.
Don't bury your thoughts, let them come through, to the surface. Fly with them.
New age bullshit. Although it good to think of this. How have I set the tone? This whole diary thing is such bullshit. I'm just wrapped up in writing now, for the first time in ages, I feellike I can write even though nothing of significance is happening.
Insight into my mind.
That's what I have now. I can see clearly. Everything that has been said to me, about me, it's all in some past that only I can bring back. The past is past. No one wants to bring it up. Full of bad memories. I am here and now and that's more than I can say of most people. I am here because of the past but I don't have to drag it along with me ever again. No one knows me here I could very well act out as someone who I've always wanted to be, and I would pass. I am an actor. I know the craft, I am the method. Also it is something I have above other people. Make way for it is not JP Pulles, autistic, but Jean-Philippe Pulles, articulate and charming American in Barcelona (with a penchant for British accents).
21 pages in, and they have installed particles in this bed. CRUD!
So I'm in a particularly Muse state of mind. Maybe it's in anticipation of yet another Muse concert I'll miss. Hmm.
I really want to fit into this indie scene kid craze that virtually every I want to fuck is part of. I want to check out the girls at the clubs. Dos Trece has a downstairs club. Which might suit my needs presently.
Yet I don't speak the language. A smack head moment. I wouldn't want someone who wasn't bilingual would I? It'd just be about the sex then?
Hmm.
I really miss the guitar lately. Tis a shame I can't create when the actual inspiration is now coming to me. Hm. Well I can concentrate on longer writing anyway so this is a change. Should I start in the other diary though? I mean this one is virtually filled up with writing anyway. Hmm I keep noticing how dirty my shoe is. How strange. What a "Strangle the Chickens" moment. Heh. I'd better stop picking at this thing on my face. Shame-ridden.
Ugh.
09 October 2006
16 september 2006
It's Saturday now, and we're resolved to spend less, drink more water and eat more salads. Still, today, we spent about 14 euros on dinner, 26 on a late lunch and about 10 something in the morning, 40 euros a bit much on the bank, so we'd better resolve to fix it, fix our situation.
I walk through an automatic metal door into a large, hot chamber with many half-naked people sweating profusely on what appears to be a sauna-type seating. It definitely reeks of sauna. To my left the spas are taken up by naked people of all descriptions.
A girl of about 18 in a blue lingerie and a head of layered blonde hair welcomes me. I can't even begin to imagine undressing her. Her beauty melts me.
* * *
"Of course you're in the dream," Thom says to Colin and Jonny, "watching Ed O'Brien mudwrestle some guy who started playing some crappy ska band."
"Thounds like a crappy dream."
"You didn't get the girl naked?"
"No."
"You lost your virginity already and you are still scared of girls?"
Thom turns red, but says nothing. His face seems to display sadness, but after a year of knowing Thom, Colin knows that Thom's happy face looks conent, while content looks malcontent, etc..
Paella today, twas good. Can't remember what it was called but it is behind Carrer Del Carme and in front of this large covered market. I got majorly drunk and came out of it ok. Just ironed some clothes that refused to get dry. I feel good about that.
I walk through an automatic metal door into a large, hot chamber with many half-naked people sweating profusely on what appears to be a sauna-type seating. It definitely reeks of sauna. To my left the spas are taken up by naked people of all descriptions.
A girl of about 18 in a blue lingerie and a head of layered blonde hair welcomes me. I can't even begin to imagine undressing her. Her beauty melts me.
* * *
"Of course you're in the dream," Thom says to Colin and Jonny, "watching Ed O'Brien mudwrestle some guy who started playing some crappy ska band."
"Thounds like a crappy dream."
"You didn't get the girl naked?"
"No."
"You lost your virginity already and you are still scared of girls?"
Thom turns red, but says nothing. His face seems to display sadness, but after a year of knowing Thom, Colin knows that Thom's happy face looks conent, while content looks malcontent, etc..
Paella today, twas good. Can't remember what it was called but it is behind Carrer Del Carme and in front of this large covered market. I got majorly drunk and came out of it ok. Just ironed some clothes that refused to get dry. I feel good about that.
15 september 2006
It's been at least 10 or 12 hours since some fucked up less than animal leech stole mom's handbag, including stationery, postcards, and Thom, the sweetest teddy bear ever, and he's probably growing mold in some dumpster because these people are dead inside.
And now Diedrich's is being bought out by Starbucks, so I've officially lost faith in humanity.
Thanks so much.
And now Diedrich's is being bought out by Starbucks, so I've officially lost faith in humanity.
Thanks so much.
14 september 2006
music: time is running out - muse
I'm supposed to be writing an essay. instead I doodle -- no, color -- the back of this diary thingy.
to be honest, I'm not feeling particularly moticated, which is not usually a good thing for someone who has to get other people to be motivated. Maybe it has something to do with what is happening right now, that despite being in a situation where I need to start being motivated, I still can't grasp something that is happening on the other side of September 30th (you know what I mean). But the reality is I need to make money to survive, and I also need to know the language to survive. and I'm probably more likely to survive knowing english. but in spain, it's actually somewhat hard without my mom, I have no clue what I'd be doing, if i'd just have had to go to another country just to be understood, etc...
so these lazy bums i suppose really do need to have a motivator: me.
there's a song in here, an unearthed gem unrealized until now. i'll recount it here.
if i could stop i would stop before
i'd hurt myself even more
is it even possible to leave
to try and retreat?
if i could go back on this like you ask
do you really think I could
does it really work like that
there's nothing of that in me
would you go back on it
i thought you were always free
don't make me change my ways
i don't work like that
why should i change for you
you never would
why should i die for you
you never would
Obviously I decided to change it a bit. It might go back like so many Radiohead songs, but I can't possibly know at this point.
Writing comes easy. I have 21 euros and 35 cents in my pocket. I'm wearing my Jonny hoodie. I want to wash my shirts, since officially everything smells like mold. Ugh.
Um people are idiots.
Get...in the zone
A marketing gimmick
The corporate go-getter
In the latest Nike fashion
For the court
And a Dell PC for work
Nothing inspires like
a Starbucks Chai latte.
it's late, at least sleepy suburban town late. I heard people up at 5 in the morning so I suppose that isn't saying much.
As soon as we leave Starbucks (which is the only place I write in while mum is on the computer) we'll find somewhere some place that still has tapas.
I love cities that are always awake. Honestly, the sleepiest part of the day is in the morning!
Yeah, and I could be meeting some scene indie kids but my clothes are all dirty. Doh.
I stare at girls. Fuck. I feel utterly repressed sexually which is the worst feeling. Not to mention they are quite sexy here.
I need to join all the scene kids at the clubs and meet people. It really sucks being a loner in such a big city.
How do I meet people? It ain't going to happen! Fuck. And if I did I wouldn't know the first thing to say.
I'm supposed to be writing an essay. instead I doodle -- no, color -- the back of this diary thingy.
to be honest, I'm not feeling particularly moticated, which is not usually a good thing for someone who has to get other people to be motivated. Maybe it has something to do with what is happening right now, that despite being in a situation where I need to start being motivated, I still can't grasp something that is happening on the other side of September 30th (you know what I mean). But the reality is I need to make money to survive, and I also need to know the language to survive. and I'm probably more likely to survive knowing english. but in spain, it's actually somewhat hard without my mom, I have no clue what I'd be doing, if i'd just have had to go to another country just to be understood, etc...
so these lazy bums i suppose really do need to have a motivator: me.
there's a song in here, an unearthed gem unrealized until now. i'll recount it here.
if i could stop i would stop before
i'd hurt myself even more
is it even possible to leave
to try and retreat?
if i could go back on this like you ask
do you really think I could
does it really work like that
there's nothing of that in me
would you go back on it
i thought you were always free
don't make me change my ways
i don't work like that
why should i change for you
you never would
why should i die for you
you never would
Obviously I decided to change it a bit. It might go back like so many Radiohead songs, but I can't possibly know at this point.
Writing comes easy. I have 21 euros and 35 cents in my pocket. I'm wearing my Jonny hoodie. I want to wash my shirts, since officially everything smells like mold. Ugh.
Um people are idiots.
Get...in the zone
A marketing gimmick
The corporate go-getter
In the latest Nike fashion
For the court
And a Dell PC for work
Nothing inspires like
a Starbucks Chai latte.
it's late, at least sleepy suburban town late. I heard people up at 5 in the morning so I suppose that isn't saying much.
As soon as we leave Starbucks (which is the only place I write in while mum is on the computer) we'll find somewhere some place that still has tapas.
I love cities that are always awake. Honestly, the sleepiest part of the day is in the morning!
Yeah, and I could be meeting some scene indie kids but my clothes are all dirty. Doh.
I stare at girls. Fuck. I feel utterly repressed sexually which is the worst feeling. Not to mention they are quite sexy here.
I need to join all the scene kids at the clubs and meet people. It really sucks being a loner in such a big city.
How do I meet people? It ain't going to happen! Fuck. And if I did I wouldn't know the first thing to say.
08 October 2006
13 september 2006
the fire department is visiting Carrer Carme and I'm waiting with a large and broken suitcase I had to carry all the way over here because its use as a rolling suitcase ended when both zippers broke on it. not to mention two laptops, two smaller suitcases, my much more effective suitcase and camera bag and messenger bag. basicaly doing a check of everything we own. amazing how it can be limited down to this. i'm nervous as hell, because my mom is taking forever meeting with this guy on las ramblas and i have to constantly be doing -- eh whats the word -- survey of all I own now. I have no idea. I ordered smoked salmon on mashed potatoes but this is delicious.
edit: not smoked salmon, they fucked up the order..., which is good.
salmón con puré, patatas a la lima, alino tahi...
cute girls around here, lots of alternative dressed people...reaction to the fascist state? maybe...but with the end of that, they went extreme, eh?
having a cafe con leche off of las ramblas now. same place. waiting for mom to return. some americans (i think) sat down with a spanish guy and started conversation with him. i'm just shaking with anxiety. when is she going to come? eh i should take advantage.
as if i wasn't anxious enough, i'm definitely feeling a lot more anxiety! ugh. they're closing the kitchen now so i'm going pay up 6 euros for the salmon, cafe con leche and drink (schweppes lemonade). there's a dog barking, belongs to a pregnant woman, i suppose. i'll leave a tip, it was a good meal. now if only she'd actually get here, she is taking forever, no joke at all. she could at least come back here, truth is she's absolutely bollocks at directions. i wonder when they're lifting this police line.
completely sucks that, but it's actally some of our better luck. fucking a.
edit: not smoked salmon, they fucked up the order..., which is good.
salmón con puré, patatas a la lima, alino tahi...
cute girls around here, lots of alternative dressed people...reaction to the fascist state? maybe...but with the end of that, they went extreme, eh?
having a cafe con leche off of las ramblas now. same place. waiting for mom to return. some americans (i think) sat down with a spanish guy and started conversation with him. i'm just shaking with anxiety. when is she going to come? eh i should take advantage.
as if i wasn't anxious enough, i'm definitely feeling a lot more anxiety! ugh. they're closing the kitchen now so i'm going pay up 6 euros for the salmon, cafe con leche and drink (schweppes lemonade). there's a dog barking, belongs to a pregnant woman, i suppose. i'll leave a tip, it was a good meal. now if only she'd actually get here, she is taking forever, no joke at all. she could at least come back here, truth is she's absolutely bollocks at directions. i wonder when they're lifting this police line.
completely sucks that, but it's actally some of our better luck. fucking a.
9 september 2006
The day begins!
And I know not what has happened since I downed the drink. :| ehh.. I want to write, no I don't. I want to sleep, do I? Eh...
I hate time zones!
And I know not what has happened since I downed the drink. :| ehh.. I want to write, no I don't. I want to sleep, do I? Eh...
I hate time zones!
8 september 2006
The day closes!
Sitting on the bed, listening to Radiohead from only two weeks before. I can't believe how good Exit Music was at this fucking gig.
Our souls--taketh thee and deliver us to Thom Yorke, our god.
Sitting on the bed, listening to Radiohead from only two weeks before. I can't believe how good Exit Music was at this fucking gig.
Our souls--taketh thee and deliver us to Thom Yorke, our god.
3 september 2006
The B-String of Steel
How hard is it to create ridiculous, over the top names for a story?
Understated? Over the top?
Why the FUCK can't I sleep?
Am I going to get laid this decade?
FUCK!
Sexually inactive--think over the top--because he was wrongly diagnosed with with a rare venereal disease that labelled him its poster child.
What the fuck is a venereal disease?
Who was clapping along with Morning Bell?
This is where my story starts
How come I end up the way I started
How come I end up when I went wrong
Story
Pokemon, the sad fad, is being watched in the room next to me. How can I be associated with people that'd actually follow a fad?
I turn on the 20 GB laptop I got for my birthday. Who'd have imagined I'd wanted the extra 5GB upgrade for 100, but my technologically sentient uncle?
Napster starts up after Windows 98. I have at least 10 GB devoted to music files from Napster, including the eagerly awaited Kid A, by Radiohead.
No one on the Napster music sharing community HASN'T heard Kid A. Or at least this leak. I'm getting the album when it comes out, but I wouldn't doubt if others didn't buy another CD for as long as Napster lasted.
On the Klipsch speakersplays Radiohead's Exit Music (for a film) from the 1997 album, OK Computer. I sing along as Thom Yorke strums his acoustic for the Romeo and Juliet inspired number.
"Randall!"
The banshee cry of my hysterical aunt.
"Randall Terrence! Your internet just disconnected my call!"
"Use line 2!"
"You're not using to to steal music are you? I don't want any FBI crawling in here and arresting me cos it's my internet!"
Ignore it.
I listen to the best live band of 1997 retreat into their laptops on beat-happy Idioteque. Sounds like Autechre's best beats and alien moaning.
How would this work live? Bring their laptops on stage? When did Radiohead become electronica? Didn't U2 do this with Zooropa then get really bad? Not that I actually enjoyed Joshua Tree...
I get on AIM.
My retrea.
I listen to Big Ideas, a nice song never released by Radiohead, with a gorgeous organ melody.
Strings of Steel
Supermen--
Clark Kent and his Supermen
How hard is it to create ridiculous, over the top names for a story?
Understated? Over the top?
Why the FUCK can't I sleep?
Am I going to get laid this decade?
FUCK!
Sexually inactive--think over the top--because he was wrongly diagnosed with with a rare venereal disease that labelled him its poster child.
What the fuck is a venereal disease?
Who was clapping along with Morning Bell?
This is where my story starts
How come I end up the way I started
How come I end up when I went wrong
Story
Pokemon, the sad fad, is being watched in the room next to me. How can I be associated with people that'd actually follow a fad?
I turn on the 20 GB laptop I got for my birthday. Who'd have imagined I'd wanted the extra 5GB upgrade for 100, but my technologically sentient uncle?
Napster starts up after Windows 98. I have at least 10 GB devoted to music files from Napster, including the eagerly awaited Kid A, by Radiohead.
No one on the Napster music sharing community HASN'T heard Kid A. Or at least this leak. I'm getting the album when it comes out, but I wouldn't doubt if others didn't buy another CD for as long as Napster lasted.
On the Klipsch speakersplays Radiohead's Exit Music (for a film) from the 1997 album, OK Computer. I sing along as Thom Yorke strums his acoustic for the Romeo and Juliet inspired number.
"Randall!"
The banshee cry of my hysterical aunt.
"Randall Terrence! Your internet just disconnected my call!"
"Use line 2!"
"You're not using to to steal music are you? I don't want any FBI crawling in here and arresting me cos it's my internet!"
Ignore it.
I listen to the best live band of 1997 retreat into their laptops on beat-happy Idioteque. Sounds like Autechre's best beats and alien moaning.
How would this work live? Bring their laptops on stage? When did Radiohead become electronica? Didn't U2 do this with Zooropa then get really bad? Not that I actually enjoyed Joshua Tree...
I get on AIM.
My retrea.
I listen to Big Ideas, a nice song never released by Radiohead, with a gorgeous organ melody.
Strings of Steel
Supermen--
Clark Kent and his Supermen
2 september 2006
day of reckoning.
disinterest mounts its yellow steed.
wierd.
making my moves.
no moves.
am i doomed? doomed i am.
making faces at the public.
making faces at the one i love.
what does she think of me
i'll never get anywhere with this attitude
got out another pen
oh so this one decides
to work now
i want to be in some secret society
for a day
so patrick stewart was in that episode?
that's great
homer is delightfully cheesy
ugh
my mind is gone
time to listen to music
the words of the wise
if i could i would
stop before i got hurt
i've been hurt before
i'll be hurt again
but i don't stop
i can't
and you know
why
i am in spain, barcelona. there is a loud buzz. i'm not paying attention. i have a phlegmy mucusy cough. this sucks.
thoughts of worry pop into my head. i'm worried, worried that i'll fuck up all i can do is look. can't imagine talking.
can't get the words out. i lack the wit. i lack many things. i wonder how i'd be with a clean slate. boring. yes.
AAH! The RAINDROPS
disinterest mounts its yellow steed.
wierd.
making my moves.
no moves.
am i doomed? doomed i am.
making faces at the public.
making faces at the one i love.
what does she think of me
i'll never get anywhere with this attitude
got out another pen
oh so this one decides
to work now
i want to be in some secret society
for a day
so patrick stewart was in that episode?
that's great
homer is delightfully cheesy
ugh
my mind is gone
time to listen to music
the words of the wise
if i could i would
stop before i got hurt
i've been hurt before
i'll be hurt again
but i don't stop
i can't
and you know
why
i am in spain, barcelona. there is a loud buzz. i'm not paying attention. i have a phlegmy mucusy cough. this sucks.
thoughts of worry pop into my head. i'm worried, worried that i'll fuck up all i can do is look. can't imagine talking.
can't get the words out. i lack the wit. i lack many things. i wonder how i'd be with a clean slate. boring. yes.
AAH! The RAINDROPS
31 august 2006
i've always believed that i've deceived the ones i've loved, as if i've always been hiding a bad person underneath a sensitive exterior. yet i've been hurt more by the ones who claimed to love me than i've ever meant to hurt them. i should be fully capable of loving as much as any other man and i'm more than willing to give everything, or am i? i'm so preoccupied with the fear that a girl might find something repulsive about me that i can't even think about letting down my barriers so i can be tender with a girl i like. i haven't been open to a irl, given her the key to my heart. i give everything so they won't figure out there's something wrong with me, and they must think i'm not even thinking of them. i want to be loving, a lover, capable of expressing these feelings that lovers have. i'm emotionless outside and i'm being torn up inside. ugh. i'm so afraid of being bad for someone that i can't be good. well here goes, i'm going to change that.
i'm in amsterdam, far from a girl i'm interested in. i have the feeling that i could be good for her. why shouldn't i? im not particularly awful or anything. i'm a tortured sensitive soul. i don't know. i'm not terrible or anything.
i'm listening to bonnaroo. radiohead. naturally. i want to write. do i? i haven't actually figured that out. i must be on some fucked up schedule. have to compensate for my mom waking me up at odd hours.
fucker.
i tried talking with debrah last night. debrah. can't forget that h. maybe i will again. time difference sucks though. well i will be seeing her in spain. better make sure that goes well.
i'm in amsterdam, far from a girl i'm interested in. i have the feeling that i could be good for her. why shouldn't i? im not particularly awful or anything. i'm a tortured sensitive soul. i don't know. i'm not terrible or anything.
i'm listening to bonnaroo. radiohead. naturally. i want to write. do i? i haven't actually figured that out. i must be on some fucked up schedule. have to compensate for my mom waking me up at odd hours.
fucker.
i tried talking with debrah last night. debrah. can't forget that h. maybe i will again. time difference sucks though. well i will be seeing her in spain. better make sure that goes well.
from november 2005
11-4-05
i only dream at night
my ambitions unrealized
whispers in my head
the tide washing over me
i'm scratching at my head
my loves learn to live without
***
"if your eyes could tellme everything they needed to say--"
"don't believe in those lies, young boy! it could never be."
"if i could support you, give you the life you deserve--"
"you could never! not with your rock star ambitions and your high school diploma."
"i love you!"
"stop before you hurt yourself even more."
***
F#min A G Gmin F#min
If I could stop, I would stop before
I hurt myself even more
Em G F#m F/Em D F#m F
If I could go back on this love
do you really think I would
***
revenge of the soul food
if i could stop
i would stop before I'd hurt myself even more
is it even possible
to imagine getting myself away from you
if i could go back on this love
do you really think i would
oooooh
does it really work like that
i can't imagine so
could you possibly change your mind
i can't possibly know
don't make me change my ways
i don't work like that
why should i change for you
you never would
why should i die for you
you never would
verse: F#min | A Asus4 A | G Gm Gsus2|
chorus: Em G F#m F
bridge: A C# E D
***
"the diamond dogs are vultures and they hide behind trees"
the cruel cat she manipulates
fat cat
the fat
cat is
a bitch
she wants
you to suck
her clit
she'll make
you suck her dry
cos she's a
bitch
***
A Am G Gm
I only dream at night
F#m F Em
You're still there
A C#m C Cm
You pollute my waking mind
Gm F# F#m F
Stop before you hurt somebody
I only dream at night
You pollute my waking mind
I'm falling fast, falling behind
And I can't believe this life
You have cut past my barriers
And I love how you've come in
I can't believe my eyes
Don't believe this is a lie
I love you and I won't disguise it
***
Played for a fool
A Amaj7 C#m G#
I wasted so much life with you
I fell in love with you
And you played me for a fool
A Amaj7 E Bm
I wanted you forevermore and I would give
Anything I'd give up everything
For you to look at me like that again
C Bm A Amaj7
And I was a fool for you
Yes I was, ooh
And when my chance to leave came, I paused
A Amaj7 C#m G#
I wasted so much life with you
I fell in love with you
And I was played for a fool, for a fool
Bm D A Amaj7
And now I'll pursue the one that could love me back
Why did I believe this chance expendable
You could have had everything
***
I want so much for it to end. I want to scream at this hurtful, spoiled girl, tell her what I truly think instead of hiding behind my bored or sad or resentful or sulky faces. It's not fair to continue this way, to let Sheena continue to let the damned girl hang out with us now that we know what she is. She says that I'm the coolest guy she knows, but I know it's just thoughtless flattery. She puts me down so much and I'm supposed to believe her shit?! I'm not. I want to be as cold as possible, but not to Sheena, not to those I would consider friends, but instead of fighting this pervert, I have to see her ugly face, having stared ugliness in the eyes as I unwillingly sucked her tits.
***
regressive
i only dream at night
i don't think of what might've been
disillusionment sets in
impossible to think what lie's beyond now
closed minded to the future
all possibility goes down the drain
watery eyes and tissues to cover up the blemishes
we're not going anywhere from here
make war, it's the only way we can see
choose injustice because they didn't know better
no progress or invention
a grudge against the world they left for us
it all goes downhill from here
we could stop it but we just hate the past more
what did we have before?
was it always this bad?
we didn't know what we had
hidden underneat the sludge of centuries of neglect
a plasma formation overtaking us
from our last year of progress
***
destruction, that's what they wanted.
pure + simple tear down of everything
that made the world work.
***
F#m F# E G#m
disengage
i want
Out of here
searching
the earth is scorching
________________
the rubber of your shoes
melts
with every step
________________
C#m G#m G F#m
disengage
your heart
the pain
is not worth the love
__________________
F#m F E D C
that you'll never receive
from that one
scream
_________________
C D/F# G Bm
it's the only
way out of here
let me forget this love
_________________
and the clouds of turmoil
cover up my wretched soul
an ignorant spite
because of my love
***
something in the ways she looks at
me inhibits my hear, i feel like i've
deceived her, tricked her, i'm a bad
seed, and i'm no good to anyone.
i only dream at night
my ambitions unrealized
whispers in my head
the tide washing over me
i'm scratching at my head
my loves learn to live without
***
"if your eyes could tellme everything they needed to say--"
"don't believe in those lies, young boy! it could never be."
"if i could support you, give you the life you deserve--"
"you could never! not with your rock star ambitions and your high school diploma."
"i love you!"
"stop before you hurt yourself even more."
***
F#min A G Gmin F#min
If I could stop, I would stop before
I hurt myself even more
Em G F#m F/Em D F#m F
If I could go back on this love
do you really think I would
***
revenge of the soul food
if i could stop
i would stop before I'd hurt myself even more
is it even possible
to imagine getting myself away from you
if i could go back on this love
do you really think i would
oooooh
does it really work like that
i can't imagine so
could you possibly change your mind
i can't possibly know
don't make me change my ways
i don't work like that
why should i change for you
you never would
why should i die for you
you never would
verse: F#min | A Asus4 A | G Gm Gsus2|
chorus: Em G F#m F
bridge: A C# E D
***
"the diamond dogs are vultures and they hide behind trees"
the cruel cat she manipulates
fat cat
the fat
cat is
a bitch
she wants
you to suck
her clit
she'll make
you suck her dry
cos she's a
bitch
***
A Am G Gm
I only dream at night
F#m F Em
You're still there
A C#m C Cm
You pollute my waking mind
Gm F# F#m F
Stop before you hurt somebody
I only dream at night
You pollute my waking mind
I'm falling fast, falling behind
And I can't believe this life
You have cut past my barriers
And I love how you've come in
I can't believe my eyes
Don't believe this is a lie
I love you and I won't disguise it
***
Played for a fool
A Amaj7 C#m G#
I wasted so much life with you
I fell in love with you
And you played me for a fool
A Amaj7 E Bm
I wanted you forevermore and I would give
Anything I'd give up everything
For you to look at me like that again
C Bm A Amaj7
And I was a fool for you
Yes I was, ooh
And when my chance to leave came, I paused
A Amaj7 C#m G#
I wasted so much life with you
I fell in love with you
And I was played for a fool, for a fool
Bm D A Amaj7
And now I'll pursue the one that could love me back
Why did I believe this chance expendable
You could have had everything
***
I want so much for it to end. I want to scream at this hurtful, spoiled girl, tell her what I truly think instead of hiding behind my bored or sad or resentful or sulky faces. It's not fair to continue this way, to let Sheena continue to let the damned girl hang out with us now that we know what she is. She says that I'm the coolest guy she knows, but I know it's just thoughtless flattery. She puts me down so much and I'm supposed to believe her shit?! I'm not. I want to be as cold as possible, but not to Sheena, not to those I would consider friends, but instead of fighting this pervert, I have to see her ugly face, having stared ugliness in the eyes as I unwillingly sucked her tits.
***
regressive
i only dream at night
i don't think of what might've been
disillusionment sets in
impossible to think what lie's beyond now
closed minded to the future
all possibility goes down the drain
watery eyes and tissues to cover up the blemishes
we're not going anywhere from here
make war, it's the only way we can see
choose injustice because they didn't know better
no progress or invention
a grudge against the world they left for us
it all goes downhill from here
we could stop it but we just hate the past more
what did we have before?
was it always this bad?
we didn't know what we had
hidden underneat the sludge of centuries of neglect
a plasma formation overtaking us
from our last year of progress
***
destruction, that's what they wanted.
pure + simple tear down of everything
that made the world work.
***
F#m F# E G#m
disengage
i want
Out of here
searching
the earth is scorching
________________
the rubber of your shoes
melts
with every step
________________
C#m G#m G F#m
disengage
your heart
the pain
is not worth the love
__________________
F#m F E D C
that you'll never receive
from that one
scream
_________________
C D/F# G Bm
it's the only
way out of here
let me forget this love
_________________
and the clouds of turmoil
cover up my wretched soul
an ignorant spite
because of my love
***
something in the ways she looks at
me inhibits my hear, i feel like i've
deceived her, tricked her, i'm a bad
seed, and i'm no good to anyone.
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